Men Mentoring Men

There are a myriad of layers contained within the construct referred to as masculine behavior. Any layer is a legitimate topic to be thoughtfully explored. In this essay, I will address the issue of men hurting men.

Men are all things human. Men are capable of the greatest compassion or the darkest indifference. Men form profound bonds with other men yet can detach from other men at a level of complete indifference. No examples are necessary beyond reading the front page of any daily newspaper.

Apart from the truly horrific and socially obvious examples of men choosing to hurt other men (war, the Holocaust, genocide and violent acts) are the moments men hurt each other inside the seemingly innocent activities of daily life. The 3 o’clock moments where the deed is acted out. The office, store, business meeting, dinner, sporting event, telephone call, or highway are but stages where the drama of men hurting other men is performed. The hurt is hurled at another man in words, glances and gestures, or shot at the man by use of deception, passive aggressiveness, or sabotage.

Men hurt each other because they are certain aggression works. Aggression makes change. We use it to change geographic boundaries, ideas, beliefs, alliances, thoughts, moods, or power. Men are expected to take and give aggression. A man who is the alpha male is the one who is often feared because he can hurt us. In a power struggle, the alpha male is the one we seek to destroy. So much of our male identity is associated with this singular human characteristic– aggression– that it is identified as a dominant male characteristic. Aggression is in the light while rational cooperation and compassion are too often lurking within the shadow.

I do not advocate a neutered masculinity. It is not the power, strength, or aggression inherent in men that is the issue. It is the limited definition our culture imposes on masculinity and men passively accept. Indeed, I frequently find men who have the courage to think about their masculinity and live within a creative view of masculinity to be men with strong aggressive and destructive tendencies. They are wise enough, however, to use this aggressive/destructive power in life-affirming ways. These are the men willing to aggressively re-define masculinity and destroy limited definitions of who and what they are about. These men live large. These men possess texture and dimension as well as the will to give their fullness to the world.

Consider this:

It takes a strong and aggressive (life-affirming) man to build a company that considers the needs of employees part of the essential ‘bottom line”.

It takes a powerful man to stand up against prejudice and injustice.

It is an act of life-affirming aggression to tell your wife you will do what it takes to be in a marriage that is deeply intimate. The aggression is the willingness to destroy mediocrity and to create a meaningful relationship.

And it is a very powerful act to father your children with a fierce and unconditional love.

There is much men must destroy and rebuild if we are to re-define masculinity. It is not the job for the timid.

Indeed, it is time to have the “balls” to re-define our masculinity. If we do not, you know as well as I that life-demeaning male aggression and the willingness to hurt other men will be the undoing of us all.

If you want to test your metal, be more creative, intimate and happy. If you want to show your power, be generous in your love and tenderness. And if you want to be a warrior, take a stand on something important by declaring your intentions to others. If you are passive and quiet, it is just another way to hurt other men.

Dr. Ed Adams
Founder, Men Mentoring Men