On Needing Other Men
The premise of our organization, Men Mentoring Men (M3), is that men need to be in deep and authentic relationship with other men. So, it seems like a good idea to open up a conversation regarding the validity of this premise and to encourage men to seek the rewards of having men friends.
Relating is a human imperative. It is impossible to function in life without being in relationships. From the instant of our birth we are relating in intimate and impersonal ways. Can you imagine any human behavior that does not include a direct or indirect relationship with others? Indeed, life can be seen as a journey of relationships measured over time within a continuum of intensity. There is no human story to tell without relationship. We attempt to make sense of life by telling stories (myths, legends, literature or just plain chit-chat) about our relationships with all that we see and feel. These relationships can be about God, men, women, children, objects, or ideas but they will always connect us to something or someone outside of ourselves.
So it has always baffled me why our culture does not support strong, genuine man to man relationships. I suppose the easiest explanation is rooted in our sexual repression that converts into homophobia. But the net result of this avoidance is a male culture that is far too alienated, aggressive, lonely, childish, depressed, inhibited, and afraid of intimacy.
I have known too many men who don’t ever recall having a deep conversation about any aspect of their life with another man. Men who have lived 80 years or more and never deeply discussed matters of intimate importance with another man. Never discussed love. Never discussed fears. Never discussed sex. Never discussed deep joys, dreams, or fantasies with another man. Never. But suppose you have had these conversations. Chances are they occur rarely and are not part of your normal life experience. Intimacy with other men is the exceptional not the rule. I don’t know about you, but I believe there is something just not right about that.
I remember in one of the M3 meetings, a man (I’ll call John) talked about how angry he was at his daughter and soon to be son-in-law. John’s daughter made a life choice that disappointed and embarrassed him. So John wanted us to listen to him, understand, and justify his anger. The other men, however, made him aware of how fragile and impressionable this situation was and that his anger could alienate or fracture his relationship with daughter. They encouraged him to open his mind and accept his daughter’s decision. John began to realize he had a choice: accept his daughter or lose her. John raced out of the room to called his daughter. He told her he loved her and wanted nothing to interfere with their relationship. Both John and his daughter cried tears of love knowing their relationship was unscathed. He returned to the meeting noticeably relieved and grateful. Imagine that same scenario occurring if John was alone to fester in his own anger and hurt. Needless to say, the outcome would have been different.
I have observed that intimate relationships with other men teaches us about our masculinity and our humanity. Men of M3 often report that once they achieve intimacy with other men and find a language to express their deepest thoughts, feelings and fantasies, change occurs. Men overcome deep seated fear and shame. Men begin to believe in their adequacy and men finally initiate into the adult male world. This is a powerful and effective way to heal the father wound.
Men who are connected to each other seem to have strength of action. They are men willing to participate in life and accept responsibility without the need to sulk upon my mother’s breasts as William Blake said. These men find comfort in troubled times when men they have learned to love bear witness to their tribulation.
I believe that if a man intends to live a large, satisfying life then developing rich, intimate relationships with other men is necessary. Indeed, intimacy is a primary ingredient to love. Men who face each other with mutually connected experience and trust develop the capacity to love others with generous depth. Our wives, children, and friends deserve this quality of love. And we hold open that possibility for each other.
As the year 2006 unfolds, I would like to thank all the many men who participate in M3 and provide my life with a deep richness of spirit. I know the power of male love. It is this experience that fuels my desire to encourage other men to experience it as well. And I firmly believe that the way to change the world is to fill it up with rooted, strong, and compassionate men. I know this because I live it with the men of M3.
Edward M. Adams, Psy.D.
Founder